by Jamie Beckett

Next to my desk sits a copy of Webster's New World Dictionary, third college edition. I use it from time to time to hone my rapier wit and significant intellect so that I won't appear to all the world as an idiot with a word processor. So this morning (it is still dark out as I write this and my lovely family is still dreaming away contentedly) I looked up the word "idiot" just to check. And it appears that "idiot" refers to a very foolish or stupid person, or at least one who is ignorant.

So I'm sorry to have to admit that I am an idiot! And with my head hung low in shame, I will tell you why.

I voted for Glenn Reynolds when he ran for Polk County School Superintendent. Now, I liked what his credentials appeared to be as an educator and administrator. And I will admit that I was impressed with his apparent goals in the realm of teacher competency, student achievement and that sort of thing. But I was totally unaware that he had a burning desire to break into
the fashion industry and rub elbows with the likes of Calvin Klein, Mr. Blackwell and Tommy Hilfiger. What other possible reason could there be for Mr. Reynolds recent fixation about what style and color my children's clothes are when they are on school grounds?

I was temporarily blinded by what I thought the issues of education were. So to you, the readers and voters of Polk County I can only say that I'm sorry for helping to elect what I can only now describe as a power hungry, overbearing, micro-managing, leader of the government intrusion movement. I will do my homework next time a little better, and hopefully we can have a
real school superintendent again. I was thinking I might like one that has an interest in reading, writing, math and science skills next time. But that's just me.

It would appear that the term, "dress for success" has been taken a little too literally in Polk lately. I fear that it will be OK under the current administration to be illiterate as a Polk County graduate, as long as your clothes match and are of the approved colors and cut.

Mr. Reynolds legacy will not be an enviable one I'm sorry to say.

For all I know my boss wears women's underwear under his clothes. About this possibility I can only say that I do not care one bit. His job is to manage the company and make sure the priorities of the day are in order. His underwear selection process is his own as far as I'm concerned. I myself have been known to run out to the grocery store for a single item or two in the evening with my rapidly receding hair in a state of total disarray, and clothes that I wouldn't necessarily want my picture taken in. But that doesn't make me any less than I was when I was wearing my best jacket and tie, with the stunningly coordinated slacks. And of course we all know that accessories are everything don't we?

And in this era of "Family Values" rhetoric, now I find that our mighty school superintendent believes he has the power to send me to jail, and possibly take my children away from my wife and I (remind me how many children have died in government care in Florida, Mr. Reynolds?) for the heinous crime of allowing my daughters to wear unapproved clothes sent to them by their far off Grandparents. You see, my mother-in-law lives in another part of the country. A barbaric, heathen wasteland of an area known as New England. Where the people choose their own clothes each day without the obvious benefits of government intervention. The fools.

So when my obviously criminally minded mother-in-law sends my daughters some contraband in the mail under the guise of being Christmas or birthday presents, and the pink frilly dresses of dissent are unwrapped, I get to be the one who has to break their little civic disobedient hearts and tell them the truth. "Your grandmother is evil, honey. These clothes are unacceptable
in the schools of Polk County. And even worse, Mommy and Daddy could go to jail, and you my little snugglebunny may have to go live in a State institution if you wear that horrible dress of unapproved color, style and cut. Lets just burn it in a barrel out back. And by the way, have you read 1984 by George Orwell yet? I think it's time."

I don't think Mr. Reynolds has read 1984, or a variety of other fine literature. But I am sure he reads well, and will get a great deal of practice reading the lawsuits that will be filed over this misguided policy he has forced down the throats of the people that put him in his current position. So rather than for the education they provide for our children, Polk County schools will be famous for the legal bills and lawsuits they generate over the clothes our children wear.

Way to go Mr. Reynolds. I think you might want to institute a civics class in the schools at some point, and sit in on it. You apparently missed some of the basics when you were there.
 

This article originally appeared in the Winter Haven News Chief on July 20^th, 1999. Mr. Beckett's articles appear frequently in the News Chief.