TabbysGal's Puck Stoppers Page
Miscellaneous Goalie Bytes
The Goaltender's Psalm
By Gregory S. Williams
The puck is my shepherd;
I shall not ice.
It maketh me save in unnatural positions;
It leadeth me into leg splits;
It restoreth my fans' faith;
It leadeth me into the path of odd-man rushes.
Yea, though I skate in the valley of the shadow of the net,
I will fear no sniper,
For my stick is with me.
My facemask and pads they comfort me.
They anointeth my body with SportsCreme;
My back-up tippeth over!
Surely coaches and trainers shall follow me
All the games of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of the Montreal Forum forever.
How To Talk Like A Goalie
(Note: This was posted to the Goaltender Mailing List November 1, 1995
by Dave Steinhart and was originally posted by Stormwind.)
"SLOT!": There's a guy standing right in front of me who's going to tip the bloody thing in if you don't tip HIM over first...
"TURN AROUND!": There's a guy standing right behind you who's either going to push you over, or score on the rebound, could you please look over your shoulder and get him to move?
"ROUND THE BACK!": Please shoot the puck around the back of the net before the guy breathing down your back decides to take it away from you.
"Time, time..": (This is spoken in a much quieter voice)You've got plenty of time to set it up, don't just dump the thing.
"ONE ON!": You have one person closing at high speed on your location.
"TWO ON!": There are two people closing at high speed on your location.
"[Fill in the number] ON!": There are X players closing at high speed on your location.
"RAUGH!": Hit me and die.
"LEFT!" or "RIGHT!": You're blocking my view of the face-off, please move a foot in the indicated direction.
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!": I am in major trouble and unless you ice the puck RIGHT NOW they will score a goal off this rebound.
"GO GO GO GO GO!": If you hustle you can get a breakaway because they're all either at a dead stop, bunched up, or not paying any attention. Please do not stop to look for someone to pass it to.
Note: Another trick when stopping a breakaway or a single shooter closing is to either stand your ground or, when you're certain you're off-angle and they're going to score anyway, rush at them and howl at the top of your lungs. I've known opponents who have either a) fallen over in astonishment or b) completely fanned the shot in shock. Please note that this "yell as an attack" method is not one to be casually used and is best saved for special situations. One fellow on another team used it ALL the time, with the end result that everyone giggled at him.
Description of Team Positions
| COACH |
CAPTAIN |
ASST. CAPTAIN |
DEFENSEMAN |
FORWARD |
ROOKIE |
REFEREE |
GOALIE |
| Leaps tall buildings in a single bound |
Leaps short buildings in a single bound |
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds |
Barely clears a quonset hut |
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings |
Runs into buildings |
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings |
Lifts buildings and walks under them |
| Is more powerful than a locomotive |
Is more powerful than a switch engine |
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine |
Loses tug-o-war with a switch engine |
Is run over by a locomotive |
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times |
Says "Look at the choo-choo!" |
Kicks locomotives off the tracks |
| Is faster than a speeding bullet |
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet |
Is faster than a speeding BB |
Can fire a speeding bullet |
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury |
Is not issued any ammunition |
Wets himself with a water pistol |
Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them |
| Walks on water |
Walks on water if sea is calm |
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool |
Swims well |
Dog paddles |
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver |
Plays in mud puddles |
Freezes water with a single glance |
| Gives policy to God |
Talks with God |
Talks with God if special request is granted |
Is occasionally addressed by God |
Talks to animals |
Talks to walls |
Mumbles to himself |
He IS God |
Top Ten Ways To Make Hockey More Interesting
10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character.
9. Canadians must play barefooted.
8. All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who played "Doc" on Love Boat.
7. Just barely visible under the ice: frozen body of Walt Disney.
6. Replace Zamboni with Ford Bronco.
5. "Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie - Miss Katherine Hepburn!"
4. New snack bar item: player's missing teeth dipped in fudge.
3. Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member from "The Love Boat">
2. Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup.
1. Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it.
TOP TEN REASONS YOU JUST LET THAT ONE IN
10. My defense and I got involved in the "Tastes great, less filling" Debate.
9. Tried to read the "Vulcanised" label on the side.
8. Slipped on this damn ice; someone should get some salt on that!
7. Was still laughing at that last top ten list.
6. Misunderstood "Butterfly save"; now sad to report one less monarch flying
around.
5. Sun got in my eyes.
4. Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
3. Being a top-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not
getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph
only).
2. Wait, I'm the back-up!! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!.
1. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!.
TOP 10 PET PEEVES OF HOCKEY GOALTENDERS
10. Drunk fans who toss Hostess Ding Dongs towards the net.
9. Players at parties who want to turn mask upside-down and fill it up with
bean dip.
8. Pads give appearance that they have really big butts.
7. T-shirts that say, "Goaltenders do it with their glove hand".
6. Every day, for the rest of their life, they will not have a good reason
for dropping anything ever again.
5. Frostbite caused by leg split.
4. When trainer relaces normal water in bottle with sparkling Folger's
Crystals.
3. Goal judges at away games who constantly make wisecracks about "burning
out the goal lamp".
2. Fans who ask, "Can I have your autograph, Mr. Roy???" (Said like it's
spelled).
1. When jealous back-up goalie follows them around in locker room screaming,
"Hey, glove THIS, pal!!!".
TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. The protective equipment is reusable, and you don't even have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
3. Periods last only 20 min.
2. You can count on it at least twice a week.
1. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE GIFTS TO GIVE A GOALIE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
10. SPF 30 sunscreen, for that annoying back of the neck burn.
9. For the significant other on your list, here's one that won't cost you a
penny: After the game, you can "tend to his/her equipment", if you know what
I mean.
8. Chia Pet (hey, everyone loves chia pets).
7. Ice packs, Ice packs, and more ice packs.
6. Patrick Roy's newest instructional video: "How to alienate a whole city in
three easy steps" (endorsed by Mike Keenan)
5. Dominic Hasek's newest instructional video: "Ugly goaltending made easy."
4. Blaine Lacher's newest instructional video: "Riding the Pine with Style" .
3. A contract with a real NHL team, instead of an IHL or a contract in hockey
hell (Curtis Joesph only) .
2. Clothing that brings out the color of bruises.
1. Gift certificate for mental health services.
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT BEING A GOALIE
10. Smart-Asses that toss beach balls at the net.
9. Letting those beach balls in.
8. Jealous back-up's that hide your cup, causing "puck castration"
7. Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
6. Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
5. Always annoying death threats from fans upon steping onto the ice.
4. Paterity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man.
3. Being a top-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not
getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph
only).
2. The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to
bed.
1. When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.
THE TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER
10. Halloween costume? No problem!
9. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the
holidays.
8. Can check out the babes (or guys) rinkside without them even knowing.
7. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.
6. Padding gives the impression you're really buffed.
5. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars".
4. Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie".
3. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know
what I mean.
2. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
1. Two Words: Bigger Stick.
THE TOP 15 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE DATING A HOCKEY PLAYER
15. Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge.
14. He's very sensitive on the topic of "stick curvature".
13. When eating steak, he asks you to chew it for him.
12. When going out, makes you line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends.
11. Constantly gets the urge to whack "Whiskers" out the cat door with a broom.
10. It's bad enough he consumates lovemaking by shouting "He scores!" - was it really necessary to install the red light above the bed?
9. During arguments he sends you to the penalty box for "two minutes for pissing me off."
8. Her name is Olga, she's built like Stallone and she starts a fight at least once per period.
7. He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
6. For breakfast he hands each kid a spoon and tosses an Eggo in the middle of the table.
5. For your anniversary he gives you a charm bracelet made of his teeth.
4. When he tries to "Marv Alpert" your back, there's absolutely no danger of him breaking the skin.
3. Demanded credit for an assist when you slept with his best friend.
2. Favorite restaurant: Dinner in a Blender.
...and the Number One sign that you're dating a hockey player.....
1. Talks funny and likes to beat up people but doesn't come from Alabama.